| Life's OK |
[Feb. 11th, 2008|09:07 pm] |
I haven't written in this thing forever. Whenever I did before it was because women pissed me off and school was gay. Both of those are still happening, but I have accepted them as fundamental truths, because I smoke so much weed it makes my life doable.
I've lost 90 pounds since the last entry. Never thought that would happen. But it did. Who'da thunk. It helps a lot.
I guess I just don't care about a lot of things as much. I'm just doing the minimal amount I have to, so I don't go mad with stressing myself out. I should get more on top of things sure, but fuck I'm still passing classes. Except P chem, but fuck that class. I'll take it again. Whatever.
I love weed. I'm getting medical soon. It's gonna be glorious. I'm just waiting for that one metal pot head girl to come along. That's about it. I keep thinkin I've met her, but no one ever knows. Shit never works out right. Fuck it. Let's get fuckin stoned. |
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| YOU'RE BETTER ALONE |
[Dec. 4th, 2006|03:51 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Lamb Of God - Laid To Rest | ] |
me: im no one special, you have other guys you want
her: Kind of
not guys
more like guy
me: guy
*i say guys name*
her: Yeaah.
me: yeah
her: Right now, everyone is just not in place. And also, very confusing.
me: yeah
you just sorta bursted outa nowhere for me
ive been bitching about how im never gonna meet a metal chick into computer games n shit
and then bam you come along and my head nearly exploded
but yeah fuck it
im sure you know several guys like me
her: Quite a bit
never
going
to
find
love
and now, as Lamb Of God says it:
"Destroy yourself, you're better alone, destroy yourself, see who gives a fuck."
Now shalt commence december
A month of me turning 21 and drinking way too much and hating myself almost completely.
I think I need to see a therapist.
This is the most empty, worthless feeling I've ever had in my life.
I thouhg things were supposed to get better in college.
They only get more complicated.
I'm gonna be like my mom's co-worker, single well past 30.
I need to get used to imagining that life.
And living it.
I think I'm going to die alone, cold, and penniless.
And unlike Poe and Dickinson,
no one is going to give a fuck about what I did with my life
besides the people I call my friends
and theres a ton of you
and thank you
i love you all
but you cant convince me that someone is ever really going to have an intimate relationship that works with me.
ever.
i feel so worthless.
i feel so empty.
someone fix my ass before my life falls right into the fucking gutter. |
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| LIFE NEVER CHANGES!!!! |
[Nov. 23rd, 2006|04:18 am] |
GOD FUCKIN DAMMIT!!
No one reads this, which is good, only people i care about read this, thus why I post it here. Trust man, good times.
So every couple years, I find some girl, somehow, whos totally fucking amazing and everything I've wanted and it totally PISSES ME OFF BECAUSE ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! AND THERES ALWAYS SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG WITH THE ENTIRE SITUATION!!!
This new one is:
-Absolutely fuckin gorgeous.
-Listens to all sorts of death/black/power/doom metal
-Plays computer games like a fiend, including WoW.
-AND IS FUCKING 16 FUCKING YEARS OLD! FUUUUUUUUUCCKK!!!!!
If there is a god out there he wouldn't fucking torture me with underage bullshit anymore. Why can't I meet someone AT FUCKING COLLEGE!?!!?!! I hate SO MANY PEOPLE I MEET THERE!!! I have liked like 3 girls there, ever. This one is in fucking eugene of all places. which is close to osu AND I CANT THINK OF THAT BECAUSE THEN ILL THINK IT CAN WORK AND THATS NOT GOOD AT ALL BECAUSE ITS ILLEGAL AND SHE WONT EVEN LIKE ME ANYWAY BECAUSE GIRLS I LIKE FUCKING HATE ME UNTIL YEARS LATER THEN THEY HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND THEY DONT LIKE ME THAT WAY ANYMORE BUT THEY NEVER TOLD ME THEY DID BEFORE AND THATS NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stab me in the fucking eyes.
I need a drug habit. OH WAIT IM A STONER!!!
MAKE THIS SHIT STOP! |
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| So I pretty much hate everything. |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|03:08 am] |
I just can't win.
I keep fucking everything up.
I don't know when things aren't right.
When am I going to learn what I can and can't have.
When is something going to go my way for a change.
When am I going to stop being so fucking jealous.
I feel like I'm in the dead center of a field, and my life is hidden somewhere in an infinte expanse. I hope I can find it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2006|03:41 am] |
No one reads this anymore. This is really for my own record.
I'm really really fucking drunk right now. I'll probably hit the bottle again tonight and get even more drunk.
I drink because I love beind drunk. I really love the feeling. I love this that I'm at right now. I want to be like this forever. I'm a fucking alchoholic. I'm going to die alone, and drunk. I'm going to die in an expensive suit, and probably while driving an expensive car. I'll hit a fucking pole going 100 mph. I'll be one of those shitheads that clogs up traffic just because I'm too pathetic to drive like a sober, rational humab being.
I just want to drink until I drown. I want the alchohol to consume my being. I want it to take away all the pain. I know thats fucking cliche. I know it sounds like I'm going to start doing heroin, and I really hope I don't, but if I keep this outlook on life, and if my life itself doesn't change, I'm just going to be more and more destructive.
I just want to feel like my life matters to someone besides my family. They are the only reason I am still alive. Them and my close friends. Even though they have made me feel like shit by having the women I never could, and by living the way I always wanted to, they are the reason I haven't fallen on a fucking knife. I owe them everything that I am. Every bit of it. I owe my father my soul. He is every motivation in every step I take. He makes up the air I breathe into my lungs every breath. My mother is my soul, and the source of all my love. She has given me so much. She has loved me through everything in my life. She has always been there through every knee scrape, let down, and break down. She has loved me for what I am, and for that there is nothing I can repay her with but my neverending love and devotion. I will never let her live to see the death of her child. I will never EVER let her live to see the day that I end myself. I will give her, and my father, everything my mortal being has to offer as long as I roam this earth. I love them with all the molecules that make me.
To max, I also owe a piece of my heart. I owe to him my loyalty. I owe to him my UNCONDITIONAL love. Max has loved me my entire life, no matter how I have acted, no matter what I have done. Through all I have endured I have always known that max would be there in the end, and it means so much to me that he has stood by my side through think and think. I could not ask to have a more loving and caring person in my life, because no such man exists. He is the quintessential heart. He is the blood that makes up my veins. He is the spirit in my soul that keeps me waking up, day after day, still ready to face what life has to offer me. Max, I'm so sorry that I say such mean things to you. I'm so sorry that I can't sit down with you without being an asshole to you. I hope that you accept me for the broken man that I have become, and more than that, I know you will, because you are the purest person I have ever met, heard of, or seen in my entire life. I hope that some day I can return to you the pure love that you have given me. I hope that some day you achieve the pure happiness and tranquility that you deserve. I hope that this day comes soon, and that I am good enough of a man to enjoy it with you, and congratulate you on all the things you so heartily eanred and deserve. I love you max, with every part of my heart.
In the end, I want to thank all of the people who have stood next to me, and told me that I was a good person. You have all impacted me so much. There are too many of you to name even. I am so, so, so fortunate to have you all by my side, and I hope you are fortunate in the people you have by you as well. I hope that all of you have lives full of love and happiness, and I hope that I may enjoy those pleasures by your side, and witness the things that come to grow in your lifetimes. I hope that every piece of love you have given me is given back to you, with as much meaning as it has meant to me. I hope that my friendship has meant to you as much as yours has meant to me.
Dave - I sincerely hope that you succede. I sincerely hope that you find the riches and wealth that you deserve. I so sincerely hope that love finds you, and finds you well. Even though you have a harsh love for those around you, those people have needed it, especially me. I wish I listened to you more, because I know you have always had my best interests at heart. I hope I can be there when fortune strikes for you, and we can sit back, have a drink and watch the sunset on the beautiful world that we have both hopefully conquered.
Grady - You are a genuine man. I can't say much more besides that, you have a lot of heart, and a lot of understanding to give the world. I know your life will be fruitful. You will make it that way, I know it.
Grant - You've been an awesome friend to hang with. I hope you find a niche for you to accel in, and that you live a happy and long life doing whatever it is that makes you happy. Thank you for being such a genuine and kickass guy.
Elle - Thanks for hanging out. Thanks for telling me I'm worth more than I think I am. Thanks for letting me feel like being a metalhead wasn't creepy to all women.
Elle and Grant - I really, really hope you two find the true love that I know is looking for the both of you. I believe that you two are the most perfect match that I have ever seen. I hope you can struggle through the hard times that I know are ahead of you two, and keep your love for each other intact. I know that if you endure the storms to come, you will make one of the luckiest, and incredible couples I have ever seen. I know it's really early to be saying all of this, but I genuinely believe that you two couldn't find any more perfect people to be with.
Natali - I can't even express the feelings I have for you. The pure frienship you have given me has meant so much. I love you so dearly. I hope that our friendship has meant as much to you as it has to me. Even though we might talk about how lame we are sometimes, I have ALWAYS enjoyed spending my time with you, every second. You make me laugh more than anyone I have ever known. You make me feel more happy than I ever have, and that's no exaggeration. I treasure you, Natali.
Chris - You're like a brother to me, Chris. I love you. We've had some weird shit happen to us, but I still love you man. You're a fucking amazing guy, and there really isn't a whole lot more that I can say. You have brought out some of the best things in me, and I hope I've done the same to you. I hope you find the love you're searching for, and find a life that fits you well.
I just wanted to say all of these things now. I love you all, and thank you. I'm gonna try and lay down and accept the life I have chosen.
- Alex Karl Najdek |
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